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Crotchety Old Man Calls
The''' Crotchety Old Man Calls', also called the '''Crotchety Prank Calls' or even Crotchety Calls for short, were a series of prank calls broadcast throughout the 1990s on the MJ Morning Show, starring host MJ Kelli's character "Milton Fludgecow" and involving the hapless old man's misadventures in using various products. Plot Each call has a very formula-based set up: the call will begin with either someone answering the phone, or an automated answering system talking of options. If the latter occurs, Milton will either select an option, or randomly push buttons in a panic. When someone answers, Milton will reply with his famous opening line of "Oh, thank God you've answered!", and he will either describe a dangerous situation he's in, or describe what he's doing. Most bits usually feature Milton doing something incredibly stupid, calling about a problem he needs fixed, or being in a dangerous predicament. A major plot point of these calls is that Milton seems more concerned about accomplishing selfish goals at times; an example is when he threatens to sue companies for all their assets and taking over said companies. This can even extend to medical emergencies, such as car accidents or other serious predicaments, where he doesn't bother calling the hospital, being more concerned about compensation than actually receiving help. Often Milton will bring up his children (usually his son Chauncey, and/or occasionally, his daughter Estelle, though a third child is mentioned once), or his various pets. As far as endings go, call can end in several ways; the first way is with Milton being injured and the phone hanging up, the second way is with Milton threatening/provoking the person on the other end, resulting in said person hanging up in either a rage or a panic, or the third way, which can end with Milton hanging up calmly/in a rage, sometimes saying he has something else to attend to, while the person on the other end either says goodbye to him back or tries to keep him on the line. The only prank call to break this format was Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub, which is done in, as the title says, reverse-style. List of calls Over the course of the lifespan of the Crotchety calls segment, there were a total of sixty-eight known prank calls made. Sixty-three of them were released on the Nothing But Crotchety (NBC) album, with seemingly only one never being released on any form of CD and a few others only released on the Christmas Crotchety albums. Due to the exact chronology of the Crotchety calls being unknown, all of the prank calls below are listed as they appear on Nothing But Crotchety, with four "Classic Crotchety" prank calls featuring prototypes of Milton Fludgecow placed before the first Nothing But Crotchety prank call (The Car Window Fiasco), and any extra prank calls or sketches placed after the last call on the same album (The Ab-Used Car Salesman). #Adult Diaper #Butt Tattoo #Hair Plugs #The Lost Arm in Curacao #The Car Window Fiasco #Carpet Calls 1 #Carpet Calls 2 #Drunk Mall Santa #Demonic Cable Box #Mattress Mayhem #Pop-Tart Fire #The Elevator #Lick the Pope? #The Bulldozer #Overnight Chauncey #I Lost Mommy #The Killer Bees #The Vacuum of Doom #The Garage Door #Milton Flips Truck #Rental Car Squirrel #The ATM #Orthopedic Shoes #Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub #The VCR #The Dumpster #Christmas Crotchety #Freezer Geezer #The Pacemaker #1-800 How's My Driving? #Leave It To Beaver #Science Fair Project #Smelly Cab #Beeper in the Butt #Porta-Potty #Y2K Survival Kit #Help! I'm Stuck In The Trunk #Ski Into Tree #Demonic Furbee #Multiplex Morons #Cremation Crotchety #The Car Alarm #Salad Shooter #Eyewear Scare #The Jet Ski #Tickle Me Elmo-Wood #Craftmatic Bed #Dumber and Plumber #The Golf Cart #Kwickie-Mart Bad Gas #IRS Mess #Car Insurance #Yank My Tank #The Shredder #The Lion #Lost Eyeball #The Implant #Turkey Hotline #Reckless Pizza Guy #Frozen Fludgecow #The Wrecking Ball #Exercise Bike #Furniture Fiasco #The Hearing Aid #The Y2K Toilet #The Ab-Used Car Dealer #The Wonder Boner #Cayman Crotchety Albums During the run of the Crotchety calls on the MJ Morning Show, they became very popular. As a result, many CDs, containing Crotchety calls as well as other show segments and prank calls, would be sold by the MJ Morning Show. A total of six albums were sold during the segment's run, seven if the compilation CD "Nothing But Crotchety" is included. They would be sold around the holidays, particularly in the Tampa Bay area. Eventually, a time came when MJ Kelli decided to retire the Crotchety calls sketches on the show, and the CDs were no longer produced and ultimately went out of print. Later, in the October of 2005, an offer for a virtual album containing every Crotchety call ever made in MP3 format appeared on the MJ Morning Show's website for a small fee. The offer was short-lived and expired at the start of 2006. Since then, the calls have since been posted on various video sites like YouTube for free viewing. As for the actual albums, they still pop up on the internet occasionally on sites such as eBay, Amazon.com, and the like, but prices vary. List of albums * Classic Crotchety & Wisecracks * Y2Krotchety * Crotchety Christmas * Crotchety Christmas II * Crotchety Christmas 3-D * When Crotchety Attacks! * Nothing But Crotchety Gallery Classic Crotchety & Wisecracks.PNG|Classic Crotchety & Wisecracks Y2Krotchety.PNG|Y2Krotchety Crotchety Christmas.PNG|Crotchety Christmas Crotchety Christmas II.PNG|Crotchety Christmas II Crotchety Christmas 3-D.PNG|Crotchety Christmas 3-D When Crotchety Attacks!.PNG|When Crotchety Attacks! (Limited Edition 2-CD Set containing "Classic Crotchety & Wisecracks" and "Crotchety Christmas".) Nothing But Crotchety.png|Nothing But Crotchety (3-CD Set containing nearly every Crotchety call made alongside the satirical "EmineMJ" bonus track.) 93_3 FLZ TAMPA _ CROTCHETY OLD MAN by Scott Ross.png|Promotional artwork for the MJ & BJ Morning Show featuring Milton Fludgecow. Illustrated by Scott Ross, who drew the album art for all the Crotchety albums. Crotchety Shirt Front.JPG|A rare MJ & BJ Morning Show "Show Me the Crotchety!" t-shirt utilizing Scott Ross's art. Crotchety Shirt 2.JPG|Ditto, backside. External links *Purchase CDs and other MJ & BJ/MJ Morning Show Merchandise on eBay *Purchase the CDs at Prank Call Central (Domain For Sale) *Listen to audio rips and other MJ Morning Show bits at Grooveshark (Website Taken Down) Category:General articles